This week I have found myself absorbed in the book, "Heaven is Here" by Stephanie Nielson. I've never really followed her blog, the NieNieDialogues, but after reading her incredible story you bet your buttons I will be. What an amazing story of courage, the will to live, and the fight a mother has in her.
I'll be honest, I cried through the second two-thirds of the book where she began to chronicle her recovery from a terrible plane crash. I marveled mostly at her Mr. Nielson and how good and brave he was. The love they share is the stuff of fairy tales.
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Her story of struggle and survival to rebuild a new life made me think of how I was working to build, to strengthen, and to create my own little heaven on earth. For this is the life I chose. Marrying Keith was the best decision I made in my life. These children I welcomed gratefully into my family and it is my responsibility to build a home that is happy and full of love.
I feel the weight daily of making sure that our home is a place where we can be happy. I hope that my Heavenly Father looks down on my family and gives us the thumbs up, because heaven knows I'm trying.
Despite my efforts I constantly fall short of my own expectations. Lately, I've found myself doing what I always swore I never would do, spacing out. Not forgetting things, but letting myself not be completely present as a mother. My little Lily has an unshakeable need to be constantly interacting, pretending, talking, and playing with her mommy and I struggle to keep up with her. I am filled with guilt when I find myself saying no again and again throughout the day at her constant requests to play or pretend and it leaves me exhausted and stressed.
I want so much to be the mommy she needs, to be always teaching her, playing with her, but I give her little pieces of me and hope it is enough.
My sister, Jenessa, and brother, Kent, recently came to visit and as I listened to them play and interact with my kiddos, I overheard this conversation:
Lily: Aunt Jenessa? Will you play with me?
Jenessa (enthusiastically): Sure!!!
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| My little, gorgeous sister, Jenessa! |
And just like that she plopped down on the ground, uninhibited by the list of unimportant tasks I claimed were necessary to complete to make our home happy. Lily was thrilled and I am trying to remember that should be my answer: Sure! Yes! I DO have time for you, always (well, except when we're late as usual, then I will need to say no).
On a less-deeper level I'd like you to meet Sawyer's new pal, the "baby how". He is obsessed. He wakes up talking about the "baby how" every day and when I open the computer he squeals "how! how!" until I show him a picture of the dear little bull. The cow is a week old and we have already visited him twice. I have a feeling we'll be going back there tomorrow if the weather is good.
Sawyer is officially talking up a storm. He walks around the house singing "een-el, een-el, (big breath and pause) illlll ar" (two points for you if you can figure out which song that is) and "Mama! Ooo-ee-ooo" (Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody, courtesy of the Muppets).
He insists he is my "app-eee elp-er" (my happy helper, but for some reason he says this in the deepest voice he can muster, which never fails to crack me up) and begs me to let him do things such as the "ishes" (fill up soapy cups of water over and over again and dump them on the floor and counter).
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| My cutie baby brother, Kent. |
And since you got this far, I offer up this sacrilegious conversation that happened between Lily and me tonight:
Lily: Do you think God closes the door when He goes pee-pee too? Like you Mommy?
(I have officially met my goal of being a mommy of wee ones who pees with the door closed!)
Me: Um...I think God can have privacy when He needs it.
Lily: I bet he just pees on the clouds. That's what I would do.
