*Disclosure: I am tired. My writing doesn't rock. You don't have to read this. There are no rainbows and fake happys attached to this post. Just reality. *
October.
Where to start?
This past month was a dark raincloud, with brief periods of sunshine coming through.
I told Keith a week into this experience of being jobless, that we've made it through harder things. All we had to do was get the house on the market before the weather turned in the next few weeks and we would be okay.
So we both dug in and got to work. Mommy by day, construction worker by night. Keith, well construction worker day and night. Both of us fell into bed exhausted around 1:30 a.m. every night, and then I'd be dragging myself from the bed during the night to feed Sawyer, collapsing for a few more hours before I felt Lily tugging on me and it would start all over again.
We sat for two and a half hours in a very dirty and cramped building, shielding our newborn from germs and poking people, only to be handed an envelope and sent home. No food stamps, no money, no health insurance, and on a long waiting list. The unemployment didn't come in either and slowly I started to become unraveled. Everytime I drove to the store I would start to cry like a nutcase. Should I buy this? Should I buy that? Could I even afford to buy diapers?
Reality set in. There was no way we could get the huge list of projects done in two weeks. Two weeks became three, became four, became five. We are still far from being done and Winter is coming, which means we probably won't sell the house until Spring.
I spent most days this past month just sitting on the couch, holding my baby, and feeling immense guilt because I couldn't be there, or there, or anywhere but holding him or taking care of Lily. I couldn't do the pile of dishes in my sink. I couldn't clean the pile of papers off the table. I couldn't be next to my husband helping him take on the load of house projects. I couldn't be there 100% for my kids because my brain was so scattered with the mess surrounding me. Potty training came to a screeching halt with our demolished bathroom. The guilt piled up and then the depression started to settle in our bones.
Everytime I walked out of the house I acknowledged the fact that I had been bathing out of a bucket for a month. I hadn't brushed my hair or done my make up in weeks. We were all tripping over piles of tools and piles of toys and navigating through a maze of chaos and construction.
When Grandpa was on his way to visit, I completely lost it and broke down as I started surveying what I needed to do to get ready for him. Luckily both kids were in bed when I started hyperventilating and I felt like everything around me was collapsing. The dishes, the mess, the piles, the money, the new baby, the construction dust, the tantrums, the lack of showers, my failures, and now someone I loved and adored was going to be subject to all of this?
But somehow, his visit brought a welcome relief from all of the worries. I was forced to focus on what was important - my family. We left the house every day and somehow I was able to let it go and enjoy a few days with my sweet Grandpa. We laughed and smiled and had a great time watching him interact with his great-grandchildren. His visit reminded us where our hearts needed to be - with eachother.
October.
Where to start?
This past month was a dark raincloud, with brief periods of sunshine coming through.
I told Keith a week into this experience of being jobless, that we've made it through harder things. All we had to do was get the house on the market before the weather turned in the next few weeks and we would be okay.
So we both dug in and got to work. Mommy by day, construction worker by night. Keith, well construction worker day and night. Both of us fell into bed exhausted around 1:30 a.m. every night, and then I'd be dragging myself from the bed during the night to feed Sawyer, collapsing for a few more hours before I felt Lily tugging on me and it would start all over again.
We sat for two and a half hours in a very dirty and cramped building, shielding our newborn from germs and poking people, only to be handed an envelope and sent home. No food stamps, no money, no health insurance, and on a long waiting list. The unemployment didn't come in either and slowly I started to become unraveled. Everytime I drove to the store I would start to cry like a nutcase. Should I buy this? Should I buy that? Could I even afford to buy diapers?
Reality set in. There was no way we could get the huge list of projects done in two weeks. Two weeks became three, became four, became five. We are still far from being done and Winter is coming, which means we probably won't sell the house until Spring.
I spent most days this past month just sitting on the couch, holding my baby, and feeling immense guilt because I couldn't be there, or there, or anywhere but holding him or taking care of Lily. I couldn't do the pile of dishes in my sink. I couldn't clean the pile of papers off the table. I couldn't be next to my husband helping him take on the load of house projects. I couldn't be there 100% for my kids because my brain was so scattered with the mess surrounding me. Potty training came to a screeching halt with our demolished bathroom. The guilt piled up and then the depression started to settle in our bones.
Everytime I walked out of the house I acknowledged the fact that I had been bathing out of a bucket for a month. I hadn't brushed my hair or done my make up in weeks. We were all tripping over piles of tools and piles of toys and navigating through a maze of chaos and construction.
When Grandpa was on his way to visit, I completely lost it and broke down as I started surveying what I needed to do to get ready for him. Luckily both kids were in bed when I started hyperventilating and I felt like everything around me was collapsing. The dishes, the mess, the piles, the money, the new baby, the construction dust, the tantrums, the lack of showers, my failures, and now someone I loved and adored was going to be subject to all of this?
But somehow, his visit brought a welcome relief from all of the worries. I was forced to focus on what was important - my family. We left the house every day and somehow I was able to let it go and enjoy a few days with my sweet Grandpa. We laughed and smiled and had a great time watching him interact with his great-grandchildren. His visit reminded us where our hearts needed to be - with eachother.
November already is bringing welcome relief. We are seeing progress. The bathroom is nearly done. We can shower. That really rocks, as does my husband for working so tirelessly around the clock on it. I can see parts of the floor in my house again which means my brain is focusing again on my sweetums.
And I think somebody's prayers are reaching heaven because we’re starting to smile and laugh again. I've even brushed my hair everyday this month so far (that would be 2 days in a row).
Please let November be better.
Please.
