Can I just have an honest moment? 3 years old is a tough age. Like inducing panic attacks because I feel like I'm REALLY failing at being a mom stage. I have been praying and praying and trying to figure out what I need to do to make our relationship not only strong, but amazing. I just don't want to look back and declare I survived, I want to look at this period with my little man as one where we bonded and thrived.
The answers I have been getting? Teach him. Play with him. Get down on his level. Show him how to have great relationships. Get to know him better and what makes him tick.
So these past few weeks I have been on the floor a lot. We are making AMAZING lego creations. We are learning to read. We are reading the SAME stories again and again. We are making the BEST silly faces you've ever seen. We are practicing not poking the baby in the eyeballs. We are practicing that last one a lot.
And I have learned things in my observations. He is an introvert. He doesn't like to get dirty like most boys. He is shy and approaches life with caution. He wants to be held more, but not snuggled. He is REALLY talented at drawing (I might be biased here). He loves to cook but hates to eat anything unfamiliar. He turns the TV off all on his own after 10 minutes. He makes lots of people observations. He is fiercely independent. He is really talented at building. And he can't understand everything I say.
I LOVE this little boy with all my heart. He is such a stud and I am truly lucky to call him mine. In all honesty this has not always been the easiest kind of love. But I am learning to see him as God does.
I'm grateful to a God that not only sent me this funny kid to love, but also gives me answers on HOW to love him. How to meet his needs. And where to find peace on the hardest of days.
The other day we had a particularly rough morning, and I sat on my bed in tears. My chest was tight and I struggled to breathe. I was having a toddler induced panic attack. My phone rang and my Captain Awesome had left work feeling like he needed to call me. I'm always embarrassed when I can't keep myself together as a mom and had holed up in my room to collect myself. Hearing Keith's voice reminded me that God was aware of my needs too, and He just wanted to make things a little better that morning.
Recently while listening to Women's Conference 2017 I heard a talk about a sister that was struggling to forgive someone who had embarrassed her. She prayed and asked God if He would give her just a piece of the love that He had for this other person. It hit me with a bang. I knew that was what I needed to do on those hard days. When we weren't getting along. When we were both reduced to frustration and tears I needed to turn to Him for those answers. And He would provide that love and help me be less selfish.
So to my little man, I just want to say this: My love will always increase for you and hopefully become perfected as I let go of my expectations and try and realize that God has His own great plan for you. I will never forget that I brought you here to be loved, to be taken care of, and to learn. I will try hard to be the best mommy I can be and to quit being so selfish. I will also try to remember that I am just an earthly parent, and your true parents, those up in heaven, will always know you better than me. They will teach me and hopefully in turn I can teach you to be a Godly man.
