Last week we went to a carnival. At this stage Lily and Sawyer have been to a number of little carnivals with our family, but this was the first time Lily was tall enough to ride on a non-toddler roller coaster. Her eyes were sparkling with pure joy as we road around and around and she and I laughed and screamed until we ached. When we stepped off, I turned to Keith with a big grin on my face.
"Remember? Remember me? I used to be so much fun." I exclaimed.
And I did use to be so much fun. Later that week I soaked in a tub, reminiscing on what made me a fun person (past tense here) and that perhaps I do still have some of my spark and sizzle, it's just different than it used to be. This only means that I am growing, adapting, and becoming more than just a silly young woman, I'm officially a real woman! How cool is that?
There is also more to me than just being a mommy. It is hard to remember this when my little ones are so needy at this stage in life, but I love to push through that and see that I am accomplishing things myself, and learning a lot about what it means to be the best me I can. So today, I am selfishly putting aside my thoughts and updates about the little ones, and sharing what I find interesting and how I am trying to develop my own talents.
(I guess I shouldn't have made some blanket statement about how I won't talk about my kids when they revolve around me like rings on Saturn. We're just connect-the-dotted over here and there is no getting away from it.
One of the things that I notice about my kids is that they are constantly accomplishing things, and growing in phenomenal ways. Lily and Sawyer are learning to read, ride bikes, formulate thoughts on how things work, swim, etc. while Grant is learning to laugh, roll over, scoot, etc. As an adult it is way too easy to settle into a routine and continue to do what you know and feel comfortable doing. Pushing out of those routines and learning new things help us to grow. These are some of the ways in the past few years I have found myself growing and learning:
1. Home renovation
I have learned a vast amount of things while owning a house. Keith has a knack for picking up a tool, figuring out quickly how to do things, and it is a natural talent I wasn't given. Therefore, I have been learning slowly. I have changed many outlets now in our house, learning about electricity as I go. I have used tools that in the past left me apprehensive (next up is mastering a table saw when I redo the mud room). I have put up drywall, taped and seamed drywall (much harder than it sounds), put in insulation, landscaping, and grown a whole yard of grass. When I arrive at the gym, as soon as I hop on the treadmill I search for HGTV and fill my brain with new ideas, and new techniques for building and decorating. I am obsessed with that channel and it motivates me to get to the gym.
I announced to Keith my next project coming up and he sighed saying, "Cherie, I HAVE to get that backyard done. You can't rope me into another project." So I told him that I am determined to do this one on my own. The only thing I requested he do was show me how to properly use the table saw so I will quit acting like a ninny around it.
Owning a home has been a journey. When we put this house up for sale we will be leaving behind a lot of hours of work, sweat, and tears. In the time we have lived here we have managed to renovate the bathroom, redo parts of the kitchen, fix many of the baseboards and walls, renovate the bedrooms upstairs, update the electricity, build an enormous wall in the backyard, renovate the laundry room, paint almost the entire interior of the home, and have started various other projects. We do this because we are insane, and because it excites both Keith and me. We have finally conceded that we will call in some help for a few projects (replacing a bay window and rebuilding the deck), but everything else we will walk away filled with pride that we did so much to improve the home.
2. Photography
I didn't develop an interest in photography until I had Lily. Then I found myself frustrated with the lack of quality images I couldn't coax out of my little point-and-shoot. Two years ago Keith purchased a DSLR camera for me and I have to say, I am hooked! I would love to have a photography business eventually, but for now I love the pace of discovery and play that comes with my hobby. I did a few photo shoots for friends last year and I even got paid! It was such a high to hand over their CDs when I knew I had captured something special. I equally love editing photos as much as I love taking them. Seeing what I can do to manipulate a photo to make it amazing has become an obsession. In fact I love going through what I thought was "good" a couple of months ago and seeing what I could have done better. My next goal is to save up to buy a computer that can handle the editing software and allow me to work on a bigger screen.
3. Exercising
After struggling with post pardum depression after having Lily and Sawyer I came to understand something about myself. I need exercise as much as I need to eat. As soon as Grant hit 6 weeks (shh! He might have been 5) I was back at the gym. I have been able to avoid post pardum depression by allowing myself to take care of me, and my needs this time around.
I love to run, and push myself, and see what I can do. I have a LOT of weird tension I build up in my brain and when I exercise that all channels into pushing through activities at the gym. It is hard to say no to activities throughout the week, and really hard to get out the door some mornings with three kids in tow, but I find that when I make this a priority I feel better about myself. This June I have a goal to run a 5k, and I am considering running a marathon in October. I find myself on the fence a little with that one, only because I have knee problems.
Last October I signed myself up for swimming lessons. I am kind of a loser in the swimming pool. I'm not sure why, but I have always struggled to be a strong swimmer. When I signed up for lessons I was happy just to make it halfway through the pool without coming up in a panic attack. I knew I wasn't going to drown, but at the same time I didn't know that I wasn't going to drown. After taking private lessons for 6 weeks I could swim four laps. In a row. The first time I did it I was so excited I called my mom and my husband and squealed like a little kid. It was a huge deal for me to mentally break through that road block.
Unfortunately, I was also 6 months pregnant and quit because I didn't want to be seen in a bathing suit anymore. Didn't break through that road block. This summer I want to continue lessons and train for a sprint triathalon.
4. Mothering three children
Hold up...thought I wouldn't be talking about my kids? No, this time it is about me. I hope I can find a way to explain my thoughts on this one.
While I was reading an article describing the heartache of a mother who had many children who just didn't turn out the way she hoped (one child was serving time in jail, another was addicted to drugs). And a comment from another mother struck a chord in my heartstrings. She said (in my words, but the basic idea is the same), "This isn't about them. Parenting isn't necessarily about the results of how your children turn out, it's how you turned out from the experience." It seemed selfish when I first read it, but then upon deeper reflection I realized it to be true to a degree. Our children will never, until perhaps they become parents themselves, understand the sacrifices that parents make each day.
Our relationships weren't made that way, children aren't supposed to understand the sacrifices at this time. Children live in their own little worlds, full of imagination, learning, frustrations, and coming to cope with the ups and downs of life. This parenting business is my journey, not theirs. While I am responsible for them as children, one day they will be responsible for themselves. My journey as a parent is to grow, to mature, and to learn how to love deeply and unselfishly. To become Christlike in nature. And I only have a short few years to do that and I really want to maximize my time with them.
God is giving us the opportunity here on Earth to create, just as Christ created the Earth and gave life to Adam and Eve, we are given the opportunity to manage our own little world that consists of our nuclear family and those we invite into our circle. We are creators, and with that responsibility comes growth and learning. I know that my children are going to make mistakes, lots of them, its part of being human. But I also need to know that my job at this time is to teach them, to guide them, and then to let them fly on their own and cheer them on as they do. If I can take these formative years and pour love, understanding, lessons of right and wrong, and education into their little souls, then I will be able to sit back and feel that I have learned what God intended me to learn.
5. Education
Next up? I am looking into schools to start my Masters. Woot! Hopefully this Fall I can delve into that journey. I plan on taking online classes, only because I haven't an inkling where life will take me in the next few years.
